"Kayaker casually pummeled by a pinniped in a loose seal brawl "

...still not posting, but fortunately replacement content which will make you cackle is at MetaFilter:

https://www.metafilter.com/176760/Kayak-octopus-seal-slap-New-Zealand


And since it's Metafilter, in addition to the details of the story, there are many puns, and people discussing the proper phyla with which to describe octopuses, and genuine-NZ-storytelling.