I seem to be ready to rant about dependency, interdependency, learning to ask for and politely reject help.
This started with last week's
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dw_news, reminding, nay
urging for us DreamWideLoaders to
ASK FOR HELP. Take it away
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denise :
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So, the support team project leads would like us to remind you that if you ever need anything, you can ask them. [... snip ...] The Support area can be used for tons of purposes, including:
- When you think something might be broken
- When you aren't sure whether something's broken or it's supposed to work that way
- When you can't find something and it's not in the FAQs (and they will also take care of letting the documentation team know to update the FAQs!)
- When you're looking straight at something you think is probably awesome, but you have no earthly clue how to make it work.
- If there's anything in general that you have questions about, or want to know more about.
Please don't ever feel embarrassed about asking, and don't feel like you're bothering them! We see a lot of people posting entries to their journals saying stuff like "I didn't want to bother Support, but does anybody know...", and that's totally not something you have to worry about. The Support team likes being helpful. Really. They've got this thing. Plus, if you're confused about something, you are likely not the only one, and if you mention it, we get to improve things for everyone -- reporting issues is a great and easy way to participate in the process of making Dreamwidth better for everybody.
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I know I have hesitated to ask for help many times. If I can't find it in the FAQ, the Mean Little Voice in My Head says, "That's just cause you're not phrasing the question correctly." Clearly I'm not alone: as she emphasizes, people who volunteer to support do it because they want to help!
Unfortunately, my upbringing and micro-culture values independence above effectiveness. Her post provided me with a chance to ponder the hierarchy and costs of neediness. My standpoint is a part-time wheelchair user, who can't reach above her head, has cognitive problems which surprise folks who are only familiar with some of my linguistic skills, and constant anxiety issues.
In the supermarket, I have no trouble asking a stranger to reach a package above my head.
When I need help, I never hesitate to ask someone to open a door. But when there's a door opener, I'm irritated by a stranger holding the door open (especially when they're on my side, and I have to avoid their feet): when I can control my environment, please let me proceed at my own speed. On the other hand, I know where all the door openers are, because I'm always scanning my environment for the
wheelie blue; non-disabled people mostly won't have noticed them.
Last week I was shopping with
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sasha_feather, walking with two canes to get a little exercise. Then I collapsed on the floor in the store for no particular reason. I didn't think twice to direct sasha to fetch a store wheelchair to cart me about, but I didn't ask her to move me the small increments so I could browse down an aisle. (I use a powerchair because my arms aren't strong enough for a manual chair). Once we were through check-out, I was weighing whether I could walk through the exit to her car. I am so thankful that Sasha saw me over-thinking, and let me know she had no problem pushing me to the car and then returning the chair on her own.
That's my constant balancing game: which is more work for my companions? watching me worry about whether to ask for help? or providing the help without having to witness my internal debate?
MyGuy and other intimates have periodically reminded me that being able to help me out is something they appreciate. Many times they've wanted an opportunity to "do something" after witnessing my pain and frustration. Some religious traditions celebrate this relationship as a gift disabled people provide to the non-disabled, but I'm uncomfortable with being an occasion for others good works. That perspective has supported many interactions where non-disabled people's need to help me takes precedence over my desire for autonomy. That tension sometimes leads to bratty behavior on my part: when people hold open doors unasked, I may turn around and take a different path just to frustrate their need to be helpful without checking if it's relevant.
Clearly these issues are embedded in English. Consider the word "helpless": which means both "unable to provide help" and "unable to obtain help." In a better world where interdependency is valued over individualism, both kinds of helplessness will be rare.
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snowflake_challenge. It's a no-pressure event: participating at their own rates, in their own journals, the challengers (or is that the snowflakes) link back to the comm so you can roll around in lovely fannish feelings!![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png){kind=small}
