Poll: Soliciting Advice on Unwanted Advice

[jesse_the_k]

Last week two WisCon folks discussed "the matter of providing unwanted advice" on Facebook. Their words finally opened my mind to why unsolicited advice is so unhelpful.

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kalmn:
Things I have to say to my kids all the time: "No, if they don't want help, then it's not helping. You need to stop." Things I am always astonished to say to grownups: the same.

holyoutlaw
I call that making cheeseburgers for vegetarians.

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holyoutlaw's formulation is so memorable! It neatly illustrates the futility of providing advice without invitation.

This brought me up short, because I'm a serial unsolicited advisor. I'm confident that I'm experienced & well-informed on a number of topics and I'm eager to share. I tell myself I want to provide value to my community in a way I'm able, but I'm sure the desire to show off is also strong.

I appreciate people who explicitly signal whether they want advice or not. I'm hoping to improve my behavior. So:

Poll #17327 Soliciting Unwanted Advice

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 20

View Respondents

Someone on your d-roll posts about a topic where you have expertise.

View Answers

Chime up with what you know
7 (35.0%)

Ask if they want advice (in reply)
15 (75.0%)

Ask if they want advice (with PM)
2 (10.0%)

Maintain silence
3 (15.0%)

I'll explain in comments...
7 (35.0%)

Box wants tickling
6 (30.0%)

Comments

About chiming in (explaining with a comment):

[capri0mni]

I try to remember to frame my reply with something like this:

"I've experienced situations much like what you describe! This is how I reacted [...]"

And then go on to talk briefly about the consequences for me, either good or bad. If it seems like the person has spoons to read further, I might also point out how my situation differs from theirs, and how that might mean they need to make a different decision than I did.

I try to avoid any variation on the theme "You Should..."

Even if the person decides not to mirror my actions, my hope is I can give the message: "No, honestly -- it's not just you."

Re: About chiming in (explaining with a comment):

[jesse_the_k]

This is SO TRUE! I also try to use that frame, and your final statement is exactly what's in my head. Thanks, it's not just me :,)

Re: About chiming in (explaining with a comment):

[capri0mni]

No, honestly -- it's not!

[owlectomy]

I am very very much a giver of unsolicited advice, and also someone who appreciates adviceful commentary when it's not clueless.

And then I realized that I'm not actually very good at being psychic about which answers are obvious and therefore patronizing/obnoxious, and which answers are non-obvious and therefore useful.

I try to pay attention to which people on my d-roll mind unsolicited advice and which are OK with it. Myself, I get really anxious about explicitly soliticing advice!

[jesse_the_k]

I wish we all had that psychic ability, but in the meantime, it's helpful to know that it's not just me.

When it comes to anxiety, that makes you, me & 11 million other people.

As far as soliciting advice, I fine the poll format takes the sting away; folks can tick & go.

[jadelennox]

the thing is, I know how incredibly annoying unsolicited advice is, both because disability/chronic pain basically makes anybody an unsolicited advice magnet, and because my mother is absolutely terrible about this. But I still have a tendency to give advice that wasn't asked for, so what I will often do is dictate it out, realize what I've done, chop it out and then say "would you like advice/opinions?" Or sometimes, I will say "I am putting some unsolicited advice down here, but I'm going to put a lot of blank space so that you can skip it, and maybe here's a picture of kittens."

[jesse_the_k]

Exactly re "unsolicited advice magnet," and I guess that's why I'm so concerned. I've heard about the miracle of wheatgrass seven too many times.

The write it then store it is a great answer! Thanks. Last week I asked if OK and then I wasn't able to get back to the person's request for four days -- which was meaningful in the worst way.

Thanks!

[redbird]

There's a range from "here are facts" to "here is what I think you should do," and I'm more likely to just chime in if it seems closer to "here are facts" and there aren't a lot of complications. For example, at one end, if someone is talking about finding their way around during a trip to New York, I would go ahead and link to the MTA website, but not jump in with advice on whether they should take mass transit or a cab from the airport, because there are too many variables. (How are they with subways generally? How many suitcases? What's their budget? What time are they arriving?)

I try to pay attention to whether people have asked for advice, and what sort, but sometimes wind up commenting that the person who wants advice on how to do X shouldn't do it at all because it's a waste of money if not actually dangerous. (I won't try to sell cheeseburgers to vegetarians, but I will tell both omnivores and vegetarians that a kale smoothie is not going to cure their cancer.)

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks for making that continuum explicit -- it helps me judge where the boundary is.

Kale smoothies not only can't cure cancer, but they stain my teeth something wicked. I love cooked kale but raw? Reminds me of alfalfa. (Happy to entertain culinary advice anytime, anyplace.)

[kaberett]

Broadly I do "ooh, that sounds tough/challenging/interesting. I have some possibly-related experience -- would you like me to share/like my input or opinions? no is absolutely fine!" or similar.

[jesse_the_k]

Nice phrasing! Thanks.

[davidgillon]

It depends so much on context. How well do I know the person? Do they sound like they are receptive? Are other people giving good advice or what I perceive to be bad advice?

I'm probably a little too prone to thumping in without appreciating everyone is not me. Unresolved White Knight tendencies.

[jesse_the_k]

I hear you White Knight -- I guess that makes me a White Queen?

I mean why would everyone drop everything to listen to my precious wisdom?

Urg.

[cxcvi]

Depends entirely on who and what and if I feel able to words...

[jesse_the_k]

Ah.

[azurelunatic]

I like to chat about my experiences with similar stuff if I think that'll be helpful; if I feel moved to give actual advice I try to frame it with the clear possibility that I may not be the expert in the room. Sometimes it's an "ugh that sucks so sorry" situation, where no advice can actually make it better.

I prefer to offer advice, rather than ask if they want it, especially if it's a super personal topic. It's a lot easier (I think) for someone to decline to reply to a comment saying "Hey, if you want advice on this, I happen to know a few things; let me know if so, and I am happy to scrape together a thing" than it is for someone to decline to reply to a comment saying "Hi, I happen to be an expert on this. Do you want advice?" because if advice is unwelcome in the case, saying no to a direct question from a friend may be kinda fraught.

When I know I'm giving unsolicted advice, I tend to say one thing and then signal that I am stopping. Like, "hi you are going through a thing and here is this link on the topic that I think might resonate with you and that's all I have to say on the matter unless you tell me you'd like to talk about it more." And then if I do happen to post on the topic because what they've said has stirred up my brains a bit, I make sure to label it and cut it, so they don't need to read it unless they choose to click through.

[jesse_the_k]

Hmmm. The subtle distinction in your second paragraph hadn't occurred to me. Thanks!

More than twice I've taken the path you outline in the end: inspired by someone's question, I can blab on my own journal all I want.

[chordatesrock]

I like to think I'm good at judging whether advice will be welcome or not, but then again, it's not hard to overestimate how well you understand other people.

(Every bit of the irony of the next paragraph is fully, 100% intended. It's half a joke and you don't need to actually read it if you don't want unsolicited advice.)

You know what you ought to do? You should start another poll, this one asking people how they feel about receiving advice, and then when you feel like giving it, you can cross-reference with the answers to that poll, and see how likely it is to be well-received!

Actually, I might go ahead and do that myself!

[jesse_the_k]

:)

Polls are so much fun! And they generate so many replies :,)