Avoiding Misgendering
Sunday, June 3rd, 2018 09:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jesse_the_kWisCon offers pronoun-preference stickers for our member name-badges. (Their use is completely optional.) I spent the long WisCon42 weekend in a space where physical appearance was disconnected from gender assumptions. One of the many things I love about the con is we dress exactly as our fancy takes us, from PJs to three-piece suits to tutus to ballgowns to geek fatigues1.
Protip: Don’t assume gender. Pause when someone raises their hand: many years of gender essentialism are imprinted in the lizard brain. Instead, refer to items displayed on the body2, for example “The person in the yellow shirt” or “You, with the flashy fingernails.”
When I took questions as panel moderator, I publicly misgendered an audience member. She responded by correcting my pronoun error. Embarrassed, I said “whatever.”
After the panel, the audience member called me out for verbally assaulting her. She told me how infuriating it was that I chose to announce an incorrect gender, especially in a space she’d hoped would be safe for trans, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people. That my “whatever” scorned her gender. She finished in frustration: “Fuck your transmisogny!”
At that moment, I vividly remembered how hard it is to speak truth to someone who’s dismissed my existence and concerns as a disabled person. The most important thing right then was for me to pay attention to her experience and anger, and to listen carefully. Feeling guilty would make it all about me.
So I thanked her for taking the time to talk to me. I apologized, and said I would try to do better. Because of my own experiences calling out those who oppress me, I was able to calmly listen and respond without panic or guilt.
The fundamental lesson: you, reader, have felt rage and despair because of people who don’t accept your full humanity, who dismiss your rights, belittle your concerns. Remember those emotions when someone else is calling you out. Listen. You will learn something. Use this information to do better the next time. As you hope others will improve, so can you.
