Avoiding Misgendering

[jesse_the_k]

WisCon offers pronoun-preference stickers for our member name-badges. (Their use is completely optional.) I spent the long WisCon42 weekend in a space where physical appearance was disconnected from gender assumptions. One of the many things I love about the con is we dress exactly as our fancy takes us, from PJs to three-piece suits to tutus to ballgowns to geek fatigues¹.

Protip: Don’t assume gender. Pause when someone raises their hand: many years of gender essentialism are imprinted in the lizard brain. Instead, refer to items displayed on the body², for example “The person in the yellow shirt” or “You, with the flashy fingernails.”

When I took questions as panel moderator, I publicly misgendered an audience member. She responded by correcting my pronoun error. Embarrassed, I said “whatever.”

After the panel, the audience member called me out for verbally assaulting her. She told me how infuriating it was that I chose to announce an incorrect gender, especially in a space she’d hoped would be safe for trans, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people. That my “whatever” scorned her gender. She finished in frustration: “Fuck your transmisogny!”

At that moment, I vividly remembered how hard it is to speak truth to someone who’s dismissed my existence and concerns as a disabled person. The most important thing right then was for me to pay attention to her experience and anger, and to listen carefully. Feeling guilty would make it all about me.

So I thanked her for taking the time to talk to me. I apologized, and said I would try to do better. Because of my own experiences calling out those who oppress me, I was able to calmly listen and respond without panic or guilt.

The fundamental lesson: you, reader, have felt rage and despair because of people who don’t accept your full humanity, who dismiss your rights, belittle your concerns. Remember those emotions when someone else is calling you out. Listen. You will learn something. Use this information to do better the next time. As you hope others will improve, so can you.

---

1. t-shirts & jeans ↩︎
2. I welcome suggestions for mods who can’t see the audience ↩︎

Comments

[sonia]

Listening. <3

Over the years in my practice I've worked on referring to people's inner child parts in gender neutral terms. "kid" "child" "young part you mentioned" I still feel bad about misgendering a tender young part in the middle of an emotionally vulnerable moment. :-(

I'm currently working on training myself to consistently use "they" for non-binary folks. My brain really really wants to pick male or female for them internally, and then of course it slips out.

[jesse_the_k]

It's challenging to relearn what's been drummed into us growing up.

[moem]

It is. But it's good to work on it.

[monanotlisa]

I like the outward appearance suggestion -- it's also helpful for people who aren't good with faces (like my sister) or names (me).

For the blind and visually impaired people, I would imagine they can pick up other cues from the speaker, and refer to them.

[jesse_the_k]

Yes!

[laurashapiro]

You are brave to share this publicly. Thank you for learning and helping others learn.

[jesse_the_k]

<3

[emceeaich]

Thinking about that situation, would it had helped or hindered if I had spoke up and said, "Jesse, X is a woman and their pronouns are she/her"?

What I'm finding is takes a lot of effort to say something because the environment of a panel is already so tense.

[jesse_the_k]

I think it would have confused me if you'd spoken up, because I can only focus on one thing at a time.

Yes, panels are not free-flowing places. (Although some people make them look so easy! Not me!)

[boxofdelights]

I admire you for listening and learning, and for putting it out here for the rest of us to learn from too.

I'm sad that I didn't get to spend time with you this Wiscon. Am figuring out how to manage my time better next time.