Retirement

[jesse_the_k]

I got a viral bronchitis in August 1988. I just didn’t seem to get better. Because I was a) stubborn as a mule, and 2) simultaneously certain I was just a lazy slacker, I kept pushing myself to attempt full time employment. I finally faced facts in summer 1991, and spent a year in bed.

In 1992 I started volunteering in my community and continued until 2019. Ever since I’ve been anxious because I haven’t been contributing. MyGuy officially retired in 2014. He suggested that perhaps I could consider retirement myself. That I’ve done enough things and can just kick back for now.

My therapist regularly reminds me, "You’re a human being, not a human doing."

I recognize I am very lucky to have the opportunity to retire. Now I wish I could figure out how to do it.

Advice welcome!

Comments

[yourlibrarian]

"You’re a human being, not a human doing."

Heh, that's a good one.

I imagine it's different for everyone. A lot depends on how much of a self-starter you are and how many non-work interests or social outlets you have. I think that having a routine, even if it doesn't revolve around work, can be helpful. Or if there's work that can be limited in some way (maybe 1 day a week or a few hours each day) it can make for a helpful transition where you feel that sense of contribution without having it be a major part of each day or week.

[jesse_the_k]

that sense of contribution without having it be a major part of each day or week

Mmmmm -- that resonates with me. Thanks for giving me something to chew on.

[sonia]

Maybe spend some time listening to the part of you that's anxious about not contributing, and why that's bad, and what terrible things might happen if you don't contribute?

Your therapist sounds great! They probably have some advice... It also sounds like YourGuy has successfully retired and might be worth emulating.

(Gosh, I wonder if what they're learning about long Covid will apply to what happened with that viral bronchitis.)

[jesse_the_k]

I've at least identified several of the voices hectoring me about non-contribution. I was able to silence one completely: My dad, encouraging me to become a judge. He's been dead for 11 years so l8r to that!)

Oh I so hope that the long COVID cohort, clothed in terabytes of data, will finally figure out why post-viral fatigue happens!

[sovay]

My therapist regularly reminds me, "You’re a human being, not a human doing."

I like that.

It is advice I have difficulty taking, of course, but you don't have to earn the right to be alive.

[jesse_the_k]

Ugh, it's so difficult.

It's an inside/outside thing, since it's natural for me to value others without any proof of worthiness.

[sasha_feather]

I recently followed the Nap Ministry on twitter and have been finding the tweets to be helpful.

https://twitter.com/TheNapMinistry

Ahhhh!

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks for that resource, which also lives outside of Twitter

https://thenapministry.wordpress.com/2021/01/11/our-work-is-has-a-framework/

I was delighted that the latest post I saw was about a planned rest:

Sabbath Time! MARCH 1, 2021 / THE NAP MINISTRY Today, March 1, 2021 is the first day of a 2 month Sabbath for me. I have been planning this pause for almost 6 months. I believe in praxis and that liberation via rest will come when we actually make it a part of our lives. No bookings, no social media, no labor, no email. A deep moment to process, rest and imagine. The portal of naps is waiting for me and for us all. I invite you to also find space to detox from technology weekly and to re-imagine rest as the foundation for your own liberation practice.

[bibliofile]

Retirement, who knew??? Lucky you, indeed.

If you've been actively contributing to your communities since 1992, maybe it's okay to be less something in your contributing? I'm not sure what sort of reframing of the time/periodicity would work for you. Sit back and let others do the work? Stepping back to make room for newer/younger/etc. etc. people? Or you've given enough at some levels, and it's okay to switch to a different level/flavor of participation?

In SF fandom, I know people who stopped volunteering generally for various reasons, including health, but they stick with say one project that is most dear/manageable/suited to their experience/etc.

(I'm not sure that this counts as advice, necessarily, but more of trying to figure out where you are, in the hopes that that will help you figure out where to go.)

[jesse_the_k]

Useful questions, thanks!

I shall ponder.

[luzula]

So what is the reason you stopped in 2019? Was it that you're too tired or that it's otherwise not possible because of your health? In that case, "from everyone according to ability, to everyone according to need". Or however you say it in English. By your very existence you are adhering to a socialist way of living. : )

If you stopped because it wasn't joyful or fulfilling to you anymore and you were just doing it as a chore, well, engagement comes and goes over the course of life. People might volunteer less when they have small kids, or get a demanding job, or get sick (which you did, but you still volunteered!). Or just because they need a break. That's normal and fine, and I think you have to look at the whole course of your life and say that in fact, you have contributed a LOT.

Maybe you could keep some sort of advisory role, and share your experience, and help in training new people occasionally? I forgot what exactly it is you've been doing, but a lot of organizations have trouble with continuity and knowledge-sharing.

[jesse_the_k]

All good points.

From each according to their ability, to each according to need. :,)

The big change in 2019 was stepping away from transportation planning. On the one hand, after several decades I actual understood the ridiculous details on how buses &c are funded and monitored.

I mentored the chair of my committee for a year and none of it stuck, so I gave up. I need to accept that "my best try" is all I can control.

[luzula]

I mentored the chair of my committee for a year and none of it stuck, so I gave up.

Ack. Well, you definitely tried.

Would love to talk over Skype/Zoom some day again! Not right now, because I'm going sailing soon, but you know, some time the coming months. : )

[starshipfox]

I can relate to this a lot because I feel a strong need to contribute, but I also am often not well enough to contribute in the ways I think are important. There's a lot to balance here -- keeping your body and mind healthy; doing things that make you feel good about yourself; realising that doing isn't always the most important thing. We are brought up to feel that if we're not constantly pushing ourselves, we're doing something wrong, and it's a lifelong battle to get out of that mindset. But sometimes it's possible to look at the way we live our lives and realise that we are doing enough: we're supporting partners, we're taking care of our bodies and minds, we are reaching out to friends, we are engaged with things that are important to us. And actually that's a good life and a balance of doing and being.

Not sure this makes sense -- I am very very fatigued as I type. <3

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks for making the effort! This

realise that we are doing enough: we're supporting partners, we're taking care of our bodies and minds, we are reaching out to friends, we are engaged with things that are important to us

really resonates with me: I totally subscribe to your newsletter, although there seem to be s steady stream of cranky letters to the editor I still have to deal with.

(That metaphor got completely out of control. In my head, I support this ideal. In my gut, there's grumbling.)

[j00j]

Being, not doing, is an important reminder.
I feel like the people I've seen retire more successfully have routines that give them an amount of social interaction that is enjoyable for them (and within risk tolerances in our current pandemic situation sigh), and engagement of the mind (beading? reading? one or two manageable projects?) and body (swimming?)-- again, in amounts that are enjoyable and well within their abilities.

Most of the retirees in my family are caring for children or grandchildren due to Circumstances so I don't have a lot of good models for this.
I'm hoping to wind up in a position to retire, ideally with enough time and energy to do some volunteering with my professional skills for awhile in a way I just *can't* while working full time. We'll see what is possible in a few decades. : /

Swimming & beading

[jesse_the_k]

...you named it 101%: being able to go back to the pool has been a HUGE improvement in my life. Not only my wonderful manatee-feeling self, but also the chit-chat. The average age at my pool is 65, so I'm surrounded by other folks who are demonstrating retirement strategies.

And beading has been a gas, especially since I found two folks willing to take pictures and then send the stuff out into the universe. I can focus on the pretty shiny things.

I hope your family's retirees get a chance to let go of childcare.

I'm angry that the generations after me don't have any retirement cushion -- it looks like the youth are getting up in arms again, which generally is a good thing.

[replyhazy]

As somebody who spends most free time beating herself up for not doing things, I have no advice, but I am paying attention to what you figure out!

The view from inside is often hazy

[jesse_the_k]

I am amazed at how you manage to continue at a full-time job, and dance, and sew!

[oracne]

Does it make you happy to have Things To Do? Are there no-stress Things you could include instead?

Thanks for naming that tune.

[jesse_the_k]

Hmmmm.

Trying to imagine what a low-stress thing looks like. I think I'm wired to stress about anything, and that's something I can work on now that I know about it.

[vass]

What gives you joy?

Well wow howdy

[jesse_the_k]

...that's a most excellent question!

Thanks.

[brainwane]

He suggested that perhaps I could consider retirement myself. That I’ve done enough things and can just kick back for now.

Maybe the "for now" could help? What if you thought of it as a sabbatical that you would reevaluate in, like, 2 years?

Excellent!

[jesse_the_k]

That's a helpful suggestion that conveniently lets me put off even thinking about it.