jesse_the_k | boost: Schalk on Grief Complicated by Estrangement

Dr Sami Schalk is a disability studies scholar and professor in Gender and Women Studies at my local university. She’s been estranged from her family, which has complicated grieving seven COVID deaths. I was moved by her essay in our state’s queer monthly:

The Echo Chamber of Pandemic Grief

In retrospect, this post was when I began to make the connections between how grieving during the pandemic was reopening old wounds, echoing other forms of grief I still held: grief for the loss of family connections as a queer person which I felt even more heavily as one of the only people in my family to leave the Kentucky/Ohio area, who now literally could not return because it was (again) unsafe for me to be there; grief for my younger self who suffered so much shame in the context of my religious community, yet as an adult found deep nostalgic comfort in listening to the songs I used to sing in church even as I no longer believed in any of it. Everywhere I turned this new grief found ways to stir up old ones, all of them bouncing around loudly inside my chest.

[… snip …]

I know that all grief is slow and non-linear, but the pandemic has put a pause on certain kinds of mourning practices while keeping us in an echo chamber of collective grief. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen first for me to fully mourn, but I don’t know what that something is—the end of the pandemic? Seeing my family again? Going to my grandfather’s actual grave? I don’t know. I don’t know.

https://ourliveswisconsin.com/article/the-echo-chamber-of-pandemic-grief/

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

cmcmck

I've lost both my parents recently (not Covid) and because I'm also long estranged the grieving process is proving both complex and difficult.

From:

jesse_the_k

is hard.

My relationship with my parents improved dramatically once they'd died -- they no longer could puzzle and wound me with their shifting requirements.

From:

cmcmck

There is the point that they can no longer exclude me and there has been some mending of fences with other parts of the family as a result.

From:

bibliofile

My condolences. Grief is painful enough without difficult complications like this.

From:

cmcmck

There are bits of hurt that I don't think can ever mend.

From:

esteefee

Well that bites. I'm sorry, Chiara.

From:

cmcmck

Thank you.

You hear of parents of trans people who are amazing- indeed, I know some on here and in the real world.

Sadly, mine weren't.

From:

yourlibrarian

I can imagine what an emotionally complex situation this must be for so many. A friend had her father infected by his (determinedly) unvaxed office manager and was very angry. But she now feels sorry for the manager's daughter who had already lost both grandparents to Covid and will now probably lose both parents as they have both been hospitalized for weeks. Meanwhile her elderly vaxxed father has recovered after only having mild symptoms.

From:

jesse_the_k

What a tragic mess.

From:

gloss

That essay was beautiful and moving, and *damn* did it resonate (I was explicitly anti-invited to my mother's funeral). Thanks so much for linking it.

From:

jesse_the_k

Happy to oblige and hope it brought a glimmer of acceptance.

From:

oracne

Thanks for the link.

From:

jesse_the_k

You're most welcome.

From:

sonia

Thanks for the link! I appreciated her story, and at the same time was surprised that it didn't resonate much for me. More estrangement, less death in my family. And we didn't do a good job of grieving together even before Covid.

From:

jesse_the_k

I see you.

From:

sonia

From:

muccamukk

That's so insightful. Thanks for sharing it.

From:

jesse_the_k

I'm glad I can.

From:

esteefee

This is a great essay. As a Greek Orthodox, I really love the music (all so rich, in descending harmonic minor) but as an atheist, I've had to bend the meaning to satisfy my own needs. My favorite hymn is from the funeral services, Αἰωνία ἡ μνήμη — "His memory is eternal" It's supposed to be God's memory, but I take it to mean the person we're mourning (the hymn is sung repeatedly) and how we're granting them eternity by remembering them. My most recent funeral was for my uncle who passed just 6 months ago, and I played various versions of the hymn on youtube since I couldn't be there, and looked at pictures of him over the years. I felt like I was a million miles away and not just a 50 minute plane ride. But reminiscing with his partner every couple of days on the phone over the next couple of months made it feel more real.

But it's so fucking hard if you can't say goodbye properly. How weird that I feel grateful both my parents died before Covid, and after we'd reconciled.

From:

jesse_the_k

O! this music is stunning -- are there more semitones than the Western scale I'm accustomed to? It sounds more minor than even Dorian or Phrygian.

we're granting them eternity by remembering them

a lovely reframe.

Being able to say "goodbye" is a gift.

From:

sonia

Wow that music is amazing! And so are their vestments. Dec 2020, some with masks, some without.

From:

esteefee

You're looking at a whole lot of bishops and one archbishop so all the style. And apparently the Bishop of Kastoria (his memorial) died of Covid, so why they're not all wearing masks, you got me.

From:

sonia

Thank you for the context! (I hope they all stayed well, despite their lack of wisdom about masks.)

From:

esteefee

all the services were being streamed at that point, so at least it was only the people we see.

From:

esteefee

oh wow, you found the memorial service of Ioannis Papakostas, the Bishop of Kastoria, that's why many bishops at his liturgy lol. and with good voices to boot.

I used to sing in the choir, too, which got me out of those uncomfortable pews, and at my cathedral we had the most gorgeous arrangements and great call-and-response so we had to keep on our toes.

And yeah, the descending harmonic minor is a different scale than the ascending and has one different note that sounds more minor and that's why your ear perceives it that way. you can read more here: https://www.hearandplay.com/main/why-the-ascending-form-of-the-melodic-minor-scale-differs-from-its-descending-form

Edited (more info) Date: 2022-03-21 12:11 am (UTC)

From:

cmcmck

It's a funny thing- I grew up with a fairly high Anglican form of worship with lots of choral music which I love, but when I was old enough to choose for myself, I became a Quaker- no music and silent worship.

Works for me! :o)

From:

jesse_the_k

Religious music offers me (raised by committed atheists) a hint of what faith might mean in a person's life.

And the only religion I ever felt welcomed to -- was also the Society of Friends.

From:

esteefee

Silent worship is a fascinating concept. There's so much going on in my brain!

From:

jesse_the_k

Hmm, that explanation is intriguing!

/just back from an Orthodox Hymnody rabbit hole. Like wow, lots of stuff!

From:

esteefee

If you dug that, you should check out this album:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDLr5ggKgU0&list=PLyl9uQmAZr1LUteG2sJazwmjs8s51b9Jd

one of my faves.

this is what the choir in my church sounded like in its heyday (except in Greek, and ofc we weren't quite this amazing but still.) it really made it worth it to show up.