Asking for Help

[jesse_the_k]

I seem to be ready to rant about dependency, interdependency, learning to ask for and politely reject help.

This started with last week's dw_news, reminding, nay urging for us DreamWideLoaders to ASK FOR HELP. Take it away denise :

 begin quote 
So, the support team project leads would like us to remind you that if you ever need anything, you can ask them. [... snip ...] The Support area can be used for tons of purposes, including:

• When you think something might be broken
• When you aren't sure whether something's broken or it's supposed to work that way
• When you can't find something and it's not in the FAQs (and they will also take care of letting the documentation team know to update the FAQs!)
• When you're looking straight at something you think is probably awesome, but you have no earthly clue how to make it work.
• If there's anything in general that you have questions about, or want to know more about.

Please don't ever feel embarrassed about asking, and don't feel like you're bothering them! We see a lot of people posting entries to their journals saying stuff like "I didn't want to bother Support, but does anybody know...", and that's totally not something you have to worry about. The Support team likes being helpful. Really. They've got this thing. Plus, if you're confused about something, you are likely not the only one, and if you mention it, we get to improve things for everyone -- reporting issues is a great and easy way to participate in the process of making Dreamwidth better for everybody.
 quote ends 

I know I have hesitated to ask for help many times. If I can't find it in the FAQ, the Mean Little Voice in My Head says, "That's just cause you're not phrasing the question correctly." Clearly I'm not alone: as she emphasizes, people who volunteer to support do it because they want to help!

Unfortunately, my upbringing and micro-culture values independence above effectiveness. Her post provided me with a chance to ponder the hierarchy and costs of neediness. My standpoint is a part-time wheelchair user, who can't reach above her head, has cognitive problems which surprise folks who are only familiar with some of my linguistic skills, and constant anxiety issues.

In the supermarket, I have no trouble asking a stranger to reach a package above my head. When I need help, I never hesitate to ask someone to open a door. But when there's a door opener, I'm irritated by a stranger holding the door open (especially when they're on my side, and I have to avoid their feet): when I can control my environment, please let me proceed at my own speed. On the other hand, I know where all the door openers are, because I'm always scanning my environment for the wheelie blue; non-disabled people mostly won't have noticed them.

Last week I was shopping with sasha_feather, walking with two canes to get a little exercise. Then I collapsed on the floor in the store for no particular reason. I didn't think twice to direct sasha to fetch a store wheelchair to cart me about, but I didn't ask her to move me the small increments so I could browse down an aisle. (I use a powerchair because my arms aren't strong enough for a manual chair). Once we were through check-out, I was weighing whether I could walk through the exit to her car. I am so thankful that Sasha saw me over-thinking, and let me know she had no problem pushing me to the car and then returning the chair on her own.

That's my constant balancing game: which is more work for my companions? watching me worry about whether to ask for help? or providing the help without having to witness my internal debate?

MyGuy and other intimates have periodically reminded me that being able to help me out is something they appreciate. Many times they've wanted an opportunity to "do something" after witnessing my pain and frustration. Some religious traditions celebrate this relationship as a gift disabled people provide to the non-disabled, but I'm uncomfortable with being an occasion for others good works. That perspective has supported many interactions where non-disabled people's need to help me takes precedence over my desire for autonomy. That tension sometimes leads to bratty behavior on my part: when people hold open doors unasked, I may turn around and take a different path just to frustrate their need to be helpful without checking if it's relevant.

Clearly these issues are embedded in English. Consider the word "helpless": which means both "unable to provide help" and "unable to obtain help." In a better world where interdependency is valued over individualism, both kinds of helplessness will be rare.

Comments

[evolvedcucumber]

The only people I let hold the door for me when I have a "cane day" are family. I hate it when people see the cane, and then think I'm invalid. And of course I still feel like crap when I feel I haven't helped enough with something before I need to stop.

But I'm learning. I think we all are.

[jesse_the_k]

I wish the learning curve was not so steep & bumpy!

[meloukhia]

I love this. I think there's a lot to examine in the way we deal, socially, with helping/being helped/asking for help/declining help.

Something else I think about sometimes is the other side of the interaction; the correct response when someone politely rejects help. People get *very* uppity when you say 'no, thank you, I don't need assistance' or something along those lines, almost as though it's a personal insult. Perhaps they resent refusal to be 'an occasion for others good works,' as you so excellently put it.

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks.

I do think folks perceive a polite turn-down as a criticism. People who offer help in a "loud" way arouse my suspicion. My guess is that they're tracking their good intentions internally: they already have tallied the score before they've opened their mouth or leaned over to pick something up. At that point, my "no thanks, I got that" is perceived as deducting points they've earned!

Yet and still, some strangers do a wonderful job of broadcasting the opposite of condescension. The important first step is asking in a matter-of-fact voice, without the sing-songy intonation adults often use with children and animals. The phrasing of that first question helps set the tone for a true dialog.

When someone says "Can I help you with that?" my negative response can be interpreted as "you're not capable of helping me" (which many folks would perceive as rude). To me, that question is more about the asker's need to help than my requirements for assistance. When someone says "would you like a hand with that?" saying "no" focuses on me, not the asker.

[nachkomme]

I like that you recognize that difference in the two questions.
Part of the issues I deal with is that I need to help. If I don't feel like I'm helping I feel poorly about myself. There is a whole 'nuther can of worms. Its all about gender for me (as much of the world is) although in reality its probably more about other things.
and of course I hate accepting help. I love holding the door open for people but hate it when others do it for me. Probably because when others do it it seems to be about power rather than timing and being helpful out of love. And so I end up being suspicious about others who are acting like they want to help me.

Also it makes me think about the idea of community, which is a huge deal for me. The culture I am in doesn't see helpers and helpees the way I would like it to, and that affects my attitude too. We can't raise all these barns by ourselves folks.;-)

[amethystfirefly]

We can totally identify with this.

Some religious traditions celebrate this relationship as a gift disabled people provide to the non-disabled, but I'm uncomfortable with being an occasion for others good works.

I actually find that.. borderline insulting. If you adopt that mindset, we're less "people" than we are "objects" that people can use to make themselves feel better.

[jesse_the_k]

I totally feel you re: the borderline insulting and objectifying, and I shared your interpretation for quite a few decades. I'm very slowly moving away from it, for reasons sophygurl and rb explore below.

[sophygurl]

There was this passage in The Sparrow about how allowing other people to help is actually a service to Them. That really struck me in a big way. I'm so often worrying about how much of a burden I might be to people by asking for help; worrying that they'll say yes because the feel they should but really they'd rather not be doing whatever thing it is I need help with.
It never occurred to me think that maybe asking for help and allowing people to help was something that was helpful to Them. I don't know WHY this never occurred to me - I myself derive good things from being of service to others (especially if they are people I love and care about and want to be helpful to specifically in addition to just general Helpfulness itself), so why shouldn't my loved ones also wish to help me beyond wanting to help because they know I need it? Quite possibly, they actually Enjoy the actual act of helping me?!?1 *gasp*

It really kinda blew my mind and has helped me change some of my feelings on the issue.

[jeshyr]

I had a very similar epiphany when an able-bodied person sat down and explained it in Very Small Words to me. I am pretty easy with asking for help now, or politely refusing help (if it infringes on something I want to have control over), or accepting not totally needed but non-damaging (to me) help.

[jesse_the_k]

Yes! That Sparrow passage irritated me in a speck of mussel-shell* sort of way. I want to be that enlightened person who enables people to provide "not totally needed but non-damaging" help.

Yet a gnarly combination of pride and misplaced bravery keeps urging me to do it myself! do it myself! do it myself! Who am I proving this to? Partly it's a holdover from training and working in male-dominated fields when I was younger. Partly it's denial that I'm impaired. (Hanging with other disabled people has been really liberating in that regard, because in any group there's usually one or two people who can handle something, so we can assist each other in the way forward.) The most frustrating part is the internalized disablism which insists that access is a zero sum game, and that there is never enough to go around. That if I accept help, then someone else who needs it won't be able to have it.

* Bits of mussel-shell are inserted into freshwater oysters to make cultured pearls.