Defending your disabled boundaries.

[jesse_the_k]

CaptainAwkward.com is still reliably useful. The most recent advice responds to someone who's been treated for ADHD as an adult, and is getting skeptical, disbelieving responses from someone she thought was a good friend.:

begin quote When disclosing to someone who is generally a positive force in my life, I personally have found it helpful to translate initial “But I wouldn’t have guessed that you have _________” or “You don’t seem like someone with _________” or “You are much too young/smart/pretty/good at things to be _____________” reactions as:

“I am trying to hard to reconcile my mostly positive impression of you with the highly negative, stigmatized (perhaps scary) perception I have of people with __________. Since I am trying to resolve this cognitive dissonance in your favor, I’m going with wishful thinking and denial.”

Yep, many people react as if denying the possibility that your brain could work differently from other people’s is a compliment to you. Because that’s how scary/negative/skewed/narrow/ableist their imagination is about people who have (whatever you have).

Then you get the people who are immediate experts on your condition because of a thing they read one time, the people who want to immediately fix everything, the people who wring their hands and want you to comfort them about the issue that you are having, the diet and healthy lifestyle police who want to figure out how getting this was all your fault for not doing everything “correctly,” the blowhard who wants everyone to be so tough they don’t need medication…a rogues’ gallery of helpiness.

Once I can parse/translate their reaction as being about them and not really being about me at all, it doesn’t feel better, but it reminds me that I’m not the one making it weird by seeking health care for a health thing. quote ends

CA goes on to provide twenty-four ways to handle intrusive, boundary-pushing, stigma-painting inquiries. They'd work equally well for friends and family, and make very educational and gratifying reading.

Comments

[davidgillon]

Thanks! (Though I could have hoped for something better than the clunky monster I've got for the moment).

Fortunately most of my friends have sensible attitudes to chairs, it's the ones who don't see me very often who are going to be interesting, that and the inevitable strangers.

And yes, it's already making things easier.

[jesse_the_k]

Warning! Alert! Inevitable stranger off the port bow!

Yeah, you have now leveled up into a differently stigmatized category. There's something about crutch users where the normates mostly read them as temporary (and they're finally issuing crutches as nice as yours in my town for short-term applications).

You'll quickly learn that most normates only know four wheelchair jokes, so you'll have plenty of time to come up with snappy replies.

When accessible transportation fails me I can get by for a short time with a walker and standard seating. Oh! The double-takes I get then. "Wow, you're so much better! Congrats on the hard work!" and my response is, "No actually I prefer to use my chair, this is evidence of transportation system failure."

[capri0mni]

The normates in your town know four wheelchair jokes? They sound so much more sophisticated than the ones around here. The only joke I've heard is the "Got a license?" one.

[jesse_the_k]

That plus
2. I am going to give you a speeding ticket
3. Those are nice wheels, I wish I could go that fast
4. (Not really a joke, but they think it is) How far can you go on a charge?

4 is okay, because I'm a machine geek, and I'm happy to discuss battery optimization

[capri0mni]

And you get the added entertainment of watching their eyes glaze over when you actually answer them ;-)

As for the others, I have an answer in my head, that I've never actually used, because I'm always hit with the "joke" as I'm in the middle of doing something else, and it requires engaging these yahoos. But, in my daydreams, the normates ask this just as we're getting on the elevator, and there'd be no escape for them (bwa-ha)!

But in my daydreams, I turn to them, and it would go something like this:

Me: You know that saying: 'It's funny,'cause it's true?'
TAB: Yeah...
Me: So do you really think that's true?
TAB: ...Wut?
Me: You think I need legal documents to leave my house?
TAB: ...Um...
Me: You think I'm a threat?
TAB: Oh! It's my floor *Scurries off*

[capri0mni]

Well, when you get a chair that fits, that will be an occasion to par-tay!

And yes, it's already making things easier.

*nods slowly* You know, it turns out these machines were invented for a reason.

Who'd a'thunk it? ;-)